491 SelfWork: Friendships: How To Create and Keep Solid Connections

Friendships are vital for your sense of well-being.

When you know that you have people that you can count on to be there for you when you need them, who you feel solidly connected to. that knowledge can offer a kind of grounding that’s unshakeable.

Dr. Margaret invites Marisa Franco to SelfWork to discuss how she discovered this for herself, how friendships have provided her with steady caring and acceptance, and how she uses the science of attachment to help you understand how to create and keep friendships in your life.

 

Platonic friendships versus romantic relationships…

So much research and time and thought goes into romantic love. Poems, movies, books, dating apps, influencers who sell you clothing or makeup or dating advice that’s supposed to help you seduce that “right person” for you – so many of them reflect our culture’s fairly insistent belief that you’re far better off if you’re partnered.

And what if that relationship ends or you get hurt somehow? The message again is… go look for someone else. In fact, I’ve laughed that the least followed advice I ever give to my clients is that they might choose to wait a few weeks or months or longer before they get into another relationship.

But what about platonic love – aka friendship? Marisa Franco wants you to realize just how vital good friends can be in your life. They’re often the steadiest people in your life – or as the saying goes, “She knows where all the skeletons are buried.”

So, if that’s true, why do some people seem to back away from creating friendships and connections that last? Maybe you’re one of them. Perhaps it’s because you never learned how. Perhaps you’ve been hurt in some way and fear risking again. Maybe some kind of anxiety or insecurity is getting in your way.

Dr. Franco’s book, Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make – And Keep – Friends can help you change that. Listen in to hear real, tangible, pragmatic steps to make friends and keep them. And how you let them know just how thankful you are that they remain in your world.

Dr. Franco’s tips on how to create successful friendships… 

Here are three tips she offers and you can hear how grounded they are in the research on friendships and what that research has shown us.

• Initiate. Don’t wait for friendships – they don’t happen organically. You have to actively look for friends. They’re not going to show up on your doorstep. Maybe you make them at work or at school. But other than that, you need to be on the lookout.
• Assume people like you. This may seem cocky but not really. Assuming you’re liked gives you confidence and you’re more likely to focus on letting others know what you like about them. Research calls this “the acceptance prophecy” and it works!
• You can’t just show up once; join a community that meets regularly. She calls this “the exposure effect” – you’re more likely to make friends when you show up in each other’s lives on a regular basis. And if the meeting is about something you’re truly interested in, then that helps as well.

Dr. Margaret on challenging social anxiety…

I’ll add three of my own here… especially helpful if you struggle with social anxiety.

• To make a friend, be a friend. Do something thoughtful or would help that person that you’re interested in feel seen or understood or positively noticed. For example, pay someone a compliment that’s sincere.  Or ask someone’s advice (most everyone is honored by that and will be friendly toward you).
• Look for the person who seems more anxious than you. This is a great idea if you have social anxiety. There’s always someone around who’s got you beat on that front. So, not only are you helping them out, you’re building a skill for yourself.
• Practice small talk. Relationships/friendships start out with small talk. If you don’t believe that you have that skill, you need to practice. Say something to the person checking you out in the grocery store. Say hello to someone as you walk past their desk. While you’re driving, talk about some recent event with an imaginary person. Sound weird? You’re literally practicing and hearing the words coming out of your mouth. Try it!
  

  By the way… 

  Send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!