489 SelfWork: When Suicide Is A Brutal Shock

Note: In this episode, Dr. Margaret talks with Penny Gray, who lost her husband to suicide. Please read/listen carefully. Here are international numbers of suicide hotlines.

Suicide is hard for all, and horrific for others. Why? Because someone they loved died by suicide, and they were absolutely shocked.

Not that suicide isn’t always extremely hard on those that loved the person who took their own life. But when you suspect nothing… the emotions that come are hard to understand and accept.

Whether you’re a parent, a wife, a friend, a partner – the question of why they couldn’t tell you what they were going through can haunt you.

 

Perfectly hidden depression and suicide…

One of the major reasons I’ve been focusing on perfectly hidden depression for the last decade is the fact that as perfectionism rates go up, so do suicide rates. And the research shows that they are correlated.

Celebrity deaths, like the recent one of Anne Burrell, can lead us to questions of what’s happening below the surface of those that seem so “celebrated” – who are living lives that many of us would believe were almost perfect. Ellen Degeneres’ producer tWitch comes to mind as another potential example of suicide that doesn’t seem to fit with the classic diagnosis of depression’s criteria.

Edwin Schneidman, the renowned expert and researcher on suicide, stated that depression wasn’t the key factor in the decision or choice to die by suicide. Instead, it was due to what he termed “unbearable pain” – and he termed that “psychache.” His work was revered but was eventually overwhelmed by the psychiatry field’s insistence on a symptom-based structure for diagnosis.

I firmly believe he was right.

It’s unbearable pain that seemingly has no way to exit.

It does. Things can get better. But for that moment, it’s all encompassing.

Dave Gray’s life and his suicide… 

I don’t quite remember when Penny Gray and I first talked. It was after 2019 when my first book, Perfectly Hidden Depression was published, but not long after. She’s the widow of a man, Dave, who tragically fit the rubric of perfectly hidden depression. She tells a story in this interview about how she happened upon the term, when she was seeking some kind of understanding about the “why” of her husband’s suicidal death.

I’m honored to share her story with you and could think of absolutely no better person to feature during the month before the publication of the Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook.

My respect for Penny is immense. She’s fighting severe kidney disease now on top of everything else, but has a passion to tell Dave’s story. This may be all too familiar for some of you, as many of us know of someone now who’s life looked amazing, but they chose suicide.

I can only imagine those last few moments for Dave himself.

There’s no real answer, just speculation. Wonder and maybe a sense or a hope that one or two things, at least with time may become more clear.

By the way… 

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