486 SelfWork: The Paralyzing Consequences of Self-Blame

Self-blame – when it happens way too much – can be paralyzing.

Dr. Margaret Rutherford, a psychologist for over 30 years, talks in this episode about some unexpected sources and consequences of self-blame.

 

How do we learn and what maintains self-blame? 

Accepting blame is something that most parents teach their kids to do, when something is truly their fault – or a direct result of something they did or said or led someone else to believe. It’s taking responsibility for something – being accountable to yourself and to others.

But when blame is taken for reasons that aren’t reflections of true integrity, there can be problems.

The antidote to self-blame – knowing it’s not your fault… 

A famous scene from Good Will Hunting between Robin Williams, who’s a therapist, and Matt Damon shows the emotional power of being told “It’s not your fault.” Will, Damon’s character, has carried around a secret sense of blame for something he didn’t cause, nor did he have any control over – and that sense of blame has led to him breaking off what seemed to be the most healthy and hopeful relationship and future he’d ever come across.

Why? Because he didn’t feel worthy. Because he was a loser. He didn’t deserve anything good in his life. So, he sabotaged what good was there. But with Williams saying over and over again, “It’s not your fault,” you can see Damon’s character break down, realizing the truth of those words perhaps for the first time.

Five paralyzing consequences of self-blame… 

• You were blamed as a child so it’s become part of your own punishing self-critic which can lead to self-sabotage.
• You were manipulated or are being abused and you take the blame to “keep the peace” and become submissive.
• You take the blame for something that’s happened to you in order to irrationally regain some sense of control.
• You’re perfectionistic and are constantly looking for even the smallest of mistakes that your inner critic pounces on to shame and blame you.
• You need affirmation so you take blame that doesn’t belong to you as a way of getting that kind of attention.

I’ll give case studies for each of these sources of self-blame.

Here are the international mental health hotlines for you to check out if need be!

Listener voicemail…

Our listener email is another one that was short and sweet. This listener’s mom is depressed – and she asks me, “What can I do about it?”

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