We’re talking about sexual abuse today – to be more specific, the horrors of marital rape. Please if you have any kind of history of abuse which many of you I’m sure do – please listen cautiously as the facts of the case could be highly triggering for you. For international abuse hotlines please click here.
You may have heard about the French woman, Gisèle Pelicot, who was the victim of multiple rapes – by multiple men including her husband – while drugged. This occurred over several years. All men were found guilty.
I know many men who voice their horrors of marital rape, or any sexual violence. And I’ve worked with male victims of sexual abuse. Yet women live with fear every day – that the simplest of choices, like turning on a light when you get into your apartment or making a choice to jog a different way home – as now, if someone was watching you, they’d know where you live or they’d get you alone. The fear is constant for girls and women, and often occurs in marriage and families.
Our listener voicemail is from someone who finds that she’s mimicking the very harsh anger she’d heard from a parent – and hated – so what’s going on when you begin to do what you don’t want to do or become who you don’t want to be? She’s taken the first step of awareness and hopefully I can suggest the next ones.
Now Available!
Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook
Healing begins with risking transparency. This workbook can help.
Vital Links:
The Independent (Great Britain) article on the Pelicot case/arrest
HuffPost article by a victim of rape in response to the Pelicot case
Guardian article challenging the idea that “rape is more about power than sex”
Psych Today article in 2022 giving marital rape statistics
Advertiser’s Link and Special Offer:
Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Get your free ebook, ‘What’s Your Protective Shield?’ when you join 7,000+ readers receiving weekly insights on the patterns shaping your life.
This is the first day I’ve read or heard about you. For many months I’ve been in search of ways to understand my role in my adult daughter’s lives….ages 45 & 47. I feel their hostility toward me and realize their trauma pain from childhood has resurfaced in their chaotic relationships. I have terrible guilt for not leaving a violent man, their father, long before I did. I tried more than I can remember but it took too many years and a medical incident to finally get the support needed to take the proper steps for our safety.
I had been reading the articles about the Pelicot rape crimes these past weeks. It has been agonizing as I relate the extreme memories from my terrible 30’s, repeated marital rape, abortion, surgical hysterectomy.
Flashbacks of my young daughters trying to protect me with their fragile little bodies.
I was absolutely stunned when I came across your website and found the article…..the horrors of marital rape. I had read the linked articles you’ve listed last month so I suppose the algorithm process brought me to your work. Is it possibly dumb luck that I’m here crying my heart out to you?
I want to learn a better way to BE with my adult daughters. Is it OK to let them know the truth, the facts why our family fell apart? Family relations are strained and distant more than ever. My marriage of 30 years is unraveling due to age related health conditions. I’ve suffered no shortage of grief over that, but I accept that part of life is likely to involve sorrow–sometimes terrible sorrow even. I’m at my wit’s end…….
Liz I’m so glad you’ve reached out. And I’m incredibly moved by what is not your “story” but horrible trauma in your and your daughter’s lives. There isn’t an easy answer and I’d encourage you to see out local therapeutic support from someone who’s worked with trauma. Maybe you and your daughters could go together, if they’re willing. Maybe it would help for them to hear this episode, I’m not sure if either of them is in a place to do that. Know that the shame is not yours to carry.