4 Irritating But Common In-Law Problems (and Resolutions)

In-law relationships can be a source of great comfort and fun. But they can also be the source of a lot of arguing and distrust.

It’s important to get in sync from the beginning if you can. If you start out with trust and mutual respect, then it’s much easier to ease into the relationship getting more complicated by potential moves, children, job changes, money stuff, medical problems. It’s family. And it’s complex.

Let’s first say that there are some absolutely fantastic in-law relationships out there. If you have created one of those, no matter which generation you are, kudos to you. Your children will benefit immensely, as will your relationship with your biological relative – and yourself.

As a therapist, however, I’ve heard a myriad of problems within the in-law domain, and from both generations. Here are some common complaints, and my own ideas for resolution. Most of the problems come when children (grandchildren) arrive, and  either the new grandparent fears that they won’t have a close relationship with their new grandchild, or the new parent worries about the impact of the grandparent’s influence over their child.

When the kids come, whatever are problems will likely become worse. Whatever’s great will make it better.

Here are four common in-law areas of hurt that need to be addressed.

1. A feeling of abandonment or non-inclusion… 

Here’s what that may sound like.

• “My DIL isn’t trying to be close to me. She and the kids are always with her own mother.”
• “My MIL sends texts to my husband, asking him about our plans. But she never includes me.”

What are the problems underneath these common complaints? A feeling of not being important or included is what lies at the base of this statement.

In the first scenario, you can hear the MIL’s inner insecurity, rather than realizing that it’ll take time to build a relationship with her DIL. You can recognize that you’re jealous or hurt. But acting on those emotions will only complicate things.

Maybe try to get to know her mother yourself better. Or suggest times when you can take the kids, so that she could be with her mother by herself. Honor their relationship, and time and patience will build your own. And try not to take things too personally.

As far as the second scenario, this seems more like a couples issue. She needs to talk with her husband and tell him to talk with his mom – and include her in their texts if it’s about plans, etc. Often, problems in communication have more to do with the couple and their differences (in either generation) than in the actual in-law relationship.

 

2) Wanting to be closer but feeling rejected… 

“My DIL has no relationship with her mom, but she still seems withdrawn from me.”

People who never had a good relationship with a parent are not always yearning for that. They’ve learned to be very self-sufficient, even guarded with others.

And it could be the other way around – that the parent is the more guarded one.

Find out things she likes to do, and suggest doing those activities together. Hopefully, she will learn that you’re not going to be pushy, but you want to understand what she enjoys and get to know her slowly.

Again, trying not to take things personally.

3) Not respecting ways of parenting other than your own…

“My MIL does things with the kids that I’ve said aren’t what we want.”

Or “My DIL is spoiling those children. Our son knows better than that and it makes me mad.”

Or… “I can’t believe my MIL spoils the kids so much. We get them back and they’re so tired and sugared-up, it takes a day to get them in a routine.”

This kind of issue can lead to some huge problems. Again, we get angry or frustrated much more when we believe that the welfare of our children is at stake.

I almost always suggest that the biological child talk to their biological parents about the problems as they see them. And vice versa. You may get the message that you’re being intrusive or that your comments are unwelcome. But you’re staying in your biological “lane” so to speak.  Family meetings can occur where all try to get on the same page. But that takes some skill… maybe you have it and maybe you don’t.

However, there could also be something going on within the couple and they’re not on the same page. For example, the son may be agreeing with both the MIL and his wife.

In both cases, the therapeutic work must involve the adult child/parent. The MIL needs to listen and be respectful, and the adult child/parent needs to make sure that they aren’t simply acquiescing to their spouse, but actually agreeing with them. And then setting appropriate expectations for the grandparents.

In this last case, the good news is that, unless they let them eat nuts and they have an allergy to them, most of this is harmless. You are the parent, and what you teach them will be what they learn. A few days of shameless spoiling isn’t going to hurt them in the long run. (However, in the case of a grandparent having an addiction that prevents them from following through with rules and discipline, this is an issue of safety and needs to be confronted within the family.)

4. Challenging the assumption of conscious harm… 

So much of the complaints above are based on the perception or assumption of manipulative or hidden agendas. If you can stop yourself from making that assumption, then ask yourself this question: “What do I know about my in-law that would explain their behavior, that has nothing to do with me?”

This is an incredibly important question to ask.

The answer you get will most likely add clarity to your thinking, and help you realize your in-law isn’t malicious – just maybe not always who you want them to be.

But not intentionally trying to get under your skin.

As stated before, if there’s actual danger or neglect, then that’s a totally different issue. And one that needs to be addressed.

By the way… 

Send me a message about what your own mom was like!! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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