We had breakfast at a local diner Saturday morning. A life-size John Wayne cutout greets you at the door. Chicken fried steak and chocolate gravy are the specialities.
You definitely know you’re in the South.
I noticed a woman eating by herself. She was directly in my line of sight. She mostly looked at her I-Phone. I concentrated on my eggs and short stack and smiled at her when I could.
A lot of people tell me they could never eat alone.
I remember one of my first efforts. I was divorced for the second time. It was a rough divorce for me but I was determined to resume life and not hide in my apartment. So, I chose one of our favorite Italian places in Dallas. I knew it would be dark thus helping me feel if a few tears appeared, I would be okay.
I ordered fettucini alfredo, my absolute favorite. It came piping hot. Smelling divine. I reached for the Parmesan cheese and shook it liberally all over the pasta. Then I dove in for that first rich, mouth-watering bite.
But I’d make a mistake. The jar I’d picked up wasn’t Parmesan. It was sugar.
Tears filled my eyes. I was mortified. “Had anybody seen?”.
I couldn’t bring myself to tell the waitress so I quietly tried to scrape the sweet stuff off the perfectly-cooked noodles. Unfortunately, I’d already mixed it up pretty thoroughly. So, I picked at it and tried to pull myself together.
Had I been in the company of others, I would’ve laughed it off and ordered another bowl.
Instead, my being a “party of one” paralyzed me. Yes… that silent shame fit easily into the almost constant sense of failure I was already experiencing. It was just one more voice telling me what I loser I was. But I think I could’ve handled it with laughter if someone – anyone – had been sitting next to me.
What is it about being alone that is so difficult?
1) Fear of non-acceptance.
Widow and widowers often tell me of their fear of how they’ll be accepted if arriving somewhere alone. Not only are they dealing with grief, but somehow tell themselves that appearing solo is not okay.
Or even asking to go with someone. “Judy and John don’t want me tagging along. I’m the fifth wheel.” (I usually challenge this though. Judy and John would likely love the company…)
Challenging that belief is so very important.
2) Issues of security.
There’s security in having someone in your world that knows you, where you are, what you’re doing – whether you need them or not at that very moment. Martha, a widow I was seeing was doing pretty well after her husband Jeff’s death. He’d been well known internationally and she was going places that were honoring him, even accepting awards on his behalf. She’s also experienced the death of her first husband, so she knew something about what she needed to feel and do.
But in the early winter, Martha slipped and fell on the front steps and she couldn’t get up, having broken her arm. Without thinking, she automatically called out for him. “Jeff… !”
She told me it was at that moment an immense loneliness gripped her, the pain of which was much greater than she’d felt since his death.
Setting up an agreement with another friend or a neighbor can be vital. With all the monitoring apps there are out there (Life 360 being perhaps the most well-known), it’s much easier to let others know where you are. Or if you need help.
3) Being alone in a partnered world.
You can get tired of being alone in a partnered world. There’s no one to talk with about the game or the party after everyone has said goodnight and gone home. No one who you immediately assume will be your partner for dinner or who’ll watch the game with you. All of that has to be set up – and that takes energy.
Yet the energy is worth it. And slowly, you can begin to form relationships with people who will become your go-to people – and you can act in that way for them as well.
4) Dealing with self-worth.
What does it mean to not have a partner? Especially if you want a relationship? It’s difficult to come to terms with not necessarily being in control of that. Somehow self-doubt creeps in and suggests that others who remain partnered have life figured out more than you do.
My paralysis at the dinner table was due to this. My shame was shouting that it “said something about me” that I was alone. I was “less” than someone with a dinner companion.
There are some people that it doesn’t seem to affect. Maybe those people are more comfortable in their own skins. Maybe they have a “loner” streak. Or maybe a past relationship wasn’t all that good anyway – and they’d grown apart. You never know the “back story…”. Or maybe they need to seem all right – and are hiding their true loneliness.
I strongly suggest talking about it with your other friends. I read an old story about someone who felt that they were alone in their problems, and the Buddha suggested that they knock on everyone’s door they passed, and ask whether or not they had problems themselves. They of course learned that all of us have “something” we’re dealing with, no matter how it may seem.
5) Learning the value of your own company.
Loneliness has its own unique ache. Some people avoid it like the plague and have to have people around them constantly. Others bear it who want a relationship, but life simply hasn’t led them to one. Maybe they’ve tried to find someone and given up.
It’s important to be able to value your own company. To be able to watch a sunset, read a book, or cook a meal and enjoy it for what it is… for you. You can practice this – even if it means eating sugary pasta once or twice. The more you practice, the more you take the time to learn the skill of being with your own thoughts and feeling your own feelings, the easier it will become.
Please remember those who are living life on their own. Divorced. Widowed. Perhaps ones who’ve never chosen to be partnered. Or are choosing to live life alone now.
Reassure them they are wanted. Even treasured.
And if it’s you – know that you are.
You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
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Originally published on November 18, 2018; updated and republished on October 1, 2023.
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