What’s Old and New About The Barbie Monologue
At thirteen years old, I decided  to shave my legs, all the way up to mid-thigh. I felt quite adult and dangerously risquĂ©. My mother was mortified and told me, “You’ll regret it forever.”
Immediately defensive, I bristled, “You’re trying to keep me from growing up!” (My 13 year-old wisdom was quite vast.)
In my eyes, I’d started the journey of adhering to cultural norms. That journey sadly took some difficult turns; by my senior year in college, I was severely anorexic. In my twenties, I’d gained a few pounds and was convinced I was enormous. So, I asked for diet pills, causing my heart to beat erratically while I also felt incredibly pumped up. People who knew what I was doing called that prescriber, “Dr. Death.” And for good reason.Â
Even after I no longer met the criteria for actual anorexia, I was left with what I term “eating-disordered thinking.”
Maybe you struggle as well. But here’s what your own denial can sound like:
“I’m not thin enough to have anorexia.”
“I’ve never purged in my life. That’s gross. I just watch what I eat and work out hard.”Â
“I eat healthy.” (Often a euphemism for severe calorie restriction….)
What remains true, whether you deny it or not. You focus on food. It’s consumption. It’s non-consumption. And you need for feel in control. (Anorexia is much more about control and esteem than food…).
But what if I don’t follow this prescription? What could I face? Â
It’s almost impossible to live in our culture without picking up this pattern of thinking; it’s literally everywhere. Â And it’s not only about body image. Twenty-plus years ago, Ellen McGrath wrote a book, “When Feeling Bad is Good.” it was geared toward women; her basic point was that the more you veered away from what advertisers and culture mandated was acceptable, the more likely it was that you’d experience actual rejection — which could easily lead to depression.
What did that mean? If you were gay, single, over the weight of what you were “supposed” to be, in a job traditionally held by men, older than 50, a racial minority, and had somehow enjoyed your life without having kids, there was something “wrong” with you.
Now we hear a similar lament in the Barbie movie…Â
Things have changed in the intervening years, but not as much as we might like to think. We hear and see it in the new Barbie movie.Â
Here’s part of what’s been called “The Barbie Monologue” from the new movie Barbie where the inner battle rages on in the “real world” (not Barbie Land…) Â about body image. It’s spoken by America Ferrera whose a real mom in the real world…
It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin.
And it goes on talking about the various cages we can all live in. We all can get stuck in what culture says we’re supposed to be, instead of living out what truly matters to us.
How can you get unstuck, at least from body shaming?
1. Challenge your own body image distortions so as to not pass them on.
Every time you say something negative about yourself and your body in front of your children or grandchildren, they can absorb your self-loathing — even if you eat normally. Realize you’re their role model and don’t maintain the myth that perfection is achievable. Express things about yourself that you like – and of course, mean it!Â
2. Surround yourself with friends (or find them) that don’t body bash themselves or others.Â
When you and your friends get together, gently challenge the time that’s spent talking about the Keto diet, CrossFit – or the newest craze, taking Ozempic or other drugs, meant for diabetics, for weight loss. Change the subject — or point out that you’re working on self-acceptance and encourage other kinds of conversations. Talk about what you’re doing or what goals you all have, instead of allowing shame to dominate! Â Â
3. Buy products from companies that are trying to confront the myth of perfection.
Increasingly, there are companies that are using real-sized women as models and are preaching the power of self-acceptance. Others choose more mature models rather than fifteen year-olds to sell cosmetics, or even aging products. Support them and ask local boutiques to do the same as you widen your own sphere of influence – and even feel empowered. By acting on your belief that your body is not just acceptable, but beautiful, you can actively challenge what you were told to believe by advertisers,
4) Realize the power of early messages to you about your body, however well-intentioned.
Far too often, the gymnastics coach or ballet instructor will demand certain body types or weights. It’s very common and does incredible damage. Or a “well-meaning” relative will tell you what you need to look like to be “successful.” Become aware of the power those messages might still have for you and fight their impact – so you don’t pass them on.
You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
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Originally published on April 12, 2014 and updated on October 20, 2018 and then again on April 3, 2021.
Photo by Leeloo Thefirst: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-woman-in-beige-tank-top-6782097/
It bothers me how much time and energy woman spend in social situations reenforcing eating disordered thinking. Talking about dieting, either the one they are on or the one they “should” be on, self loathing statements, etc. But as a small woman I feel that I can’t say anything. All this fixation on dieting isn’t helpful. I think the focus on a number on the scale is the wrong focus. Focus on heart health and size will take care of itself.
I so agree with your comment about how women spend way too much time reinforcing non-acceptance with one another. “I need to lose ten pounds” should be replaced with “I rock!”. I want to stress however that even women who look thin to others may have an incredible problem with body image. Those distortions can come out of the mouth of anyone! Thank you for reading and commenting Chloe.
I am a 66 years old woman, 6 ft tall and weight around 155. I am not fat and not thin. I suffered with anorexia throughout most of my life. After the age of 50 I began really working on self acceptance. It’s very hot where I live so I put in a pool. I have invited my friends over to float around in the cool pool on those 100 plus days. No one would come. I finally asked a friend why she thought that was and her answer shocked me. She said it’s because my friends don’t feel comfortable in a swimming suit because I look so thin in mine. Of course told them all how beautiful I think they are just being themselves. We are friends after all not because of how they look but because I love who they are.
— Sometimes I feel so lonely being healthy.
I’m sure you are lonely… maybe you could begin conversations with one of them about your own struggle with self-acceptance – and the two of you could share. Their brand of shame may be different from yours but perhaps you can find what you have in common. Thanks so much for commenting.
I’ve begun pointing this out to friends. One of my more body-conscious friends has been undergoing grueling chemo for 5 yrs and was complaining that her body shape had changed but she’d only gained 3#, etc etc and I was flabbergasted that, with everything she had going on, body shape was her big issue. So we had a talk about it. I mean, she’s a size 12, not a big girl. At least not to me! Anyway, we are distorted about this subject.
C
http://www.carolcassara.com
I am so glad you are aware of this Carol. That’s fantastic. One of my thoughts about your friend is perhaps she felt that her weight was something she could control – when much of her life was out of control. I don’t know, but that might explain what seems confusing. Thank you so much for commenting!
Wonderful article! I was called “fat” my whole life (I had 4 brothers) and when I look back at pictures from when I was in my 20’s I was SO skinny but I remember thinking that I was huge! I remember the whole diet pill thing and fast beating heart symptoms etc. I even ended up in the ER from the “miracle drug” Metabolife, remember that! Thank you for writing this!
Our memories and experiences really shadow each other! I have heard just what you say from so many patients. That in looking back, they were truly healthy – maybe even thin – but at the time believed they were enormous and needed to lose weight. Makes my point about how soon our extreme criticism and even rejection of who we are begins. It is happening now with very young girls. We need to do something! Thank you so much for reading and commenting!
Oh how I can relate to this! When I was younger, I was always “skinny” and got picked on because of my weight being around 100 lbs at 5’6″. It made me very self conscious and ashamed because everyone accused me of being anorexic, bulemic, on drugs, you name it. I wished to put on about 20 lbs but couldn’t because my metabolism was so high. Well, 5 yrs ago I started gaining weight. And boy do I mean gain weight. I’m now up to 170 and now I’m self conscious about that!! My husband says he doesn’t care what I weigh because he loves me no matter what. Sometimes I feel like he is “just saying that”. Either way, I don’t feel attractive, much less “sexy”. I love reading your articles, they have really opened my eyes and intrigued me into working more on myself and not so much on what is expected of me. Thank you 🙂
Andrea thank you so much for writing this. I couldn’t be more delighted with your comment, as this is exactly why I started this website. To help people try to believe in themselves – that they are worthy of feeling better about their lives, their bodies, whatever! I am going to be writing more on body image – was inspired to do so last weekend by meeting Nancy Fox of Skinny Kitchen fame. Hope you will continue reading and that I can be helpful. (And your husband is right… AND you can find a way to feel good as well.)
I am 48 and have been thin my entire life. Even as a ballet student for many years, once I was around 11-13, the pressure to look lanky and have a long, skinny neck, was pretty high. In my 20’s, I would hover between a size 2 and 4, being 5’4”, and around 108lbs. Living in South Florida at that time, during the 90’s and 2000’s, where “the beautiful people” live, and are constantly showing skin, and being physically fit is greatly emphasized, the pressure to fit in amongst peers is high. When I got married at 28, my German grandmother (who lived in Germany), commented on my wedding pictures, saying I was too thin, but I thought I looked great. Fast forward to today, I’ve put on a bunch of weight, due to lack of movement and exercise because of a year and 1/2 of chemo and other treatments for breast cancer, that made me feel like absolute garbage. My mother commented to me recently, while I was having a bowl of ice cream on vacation at her house, “if you don’t watch out, you’ll turn into a roly-poly”. It’s not the first time she’s made comments about my weight. Anyway, Now that I FINALLY feel better physically and emotionally, I can focus on getting healthy again. Having said all that, there is this standard of beauty that has been drilled into our heads, that if clothes don’t just hang on us and we have very low body fat, then we’re not pretty, and that’s what I’ve been conditioned to believe, unfortunately.
My mother was eating-disordered and inadvertently taught me to judge my body harshly – and therefore myself harshly. I couldn’t separate “me” from my body at least then. Ballet is a huge offender in this way… First I’m so happy for you that you feel better and sound as if you’ve gotten through cancer treatment which is a huge deal. I hope this helped you to find meaning in who you are. Thank you so much for commenting.