25 Not So Little Things To Celebrate In 25 Married Years
My marriage is 25 years old this week.
What would I whisper in that bride’s ears if I could? What would I tell her that she would be grateful for these 25 years later?
It would be the little things.
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- The smiley-face post-it notes left in your car, reminding you not to plow into a guest’s vehicle parked in the driveway. Which you have done. Twice.
- The iced water left for you by the back door, after a hike on a sweltering summer day.
- The way he reaches out his hand when you are attempting to inch down a steep slope. He has learned what a klutz you are. And remembers.
- How he somehow changes light bulbs before you do.
- The extra Kleenex he had in his pocket at your mother’s funeral.
- The specially-adapted wheelchair he found at the beach when you were on crutches, so you could play in the sand with your son.
- How he has learned to like pesto. And theatre. And, although a Jersey boy and dedicated New York Giants fan… your beloved Dallas Cowboys.
- The ritual of putting silly stuff, carefully gift wrapped, in your stocking at Christmas. Like a bottle of tarragon. Or soap from some hotel. Which you already owned. And how he gets tickled every year, watching you open them.
- How he strings the lights on the Christmas tree. And then busies himself as the rest of us put on the ornaments. Because it makes him too emotional.
- How he grumbles about how messy your car is, as he pulls out a Taco Bell sack and other mysterious bags of whatever you had for lunch over the last week.
- How he laughs at you, jumping up and down, to fit into a pair of jeans.
- His consistent words of encouragement when you decide to go for something.
- His sitting and delightfully playing with anyone under the age of six. Any game they want.
- The solid belief that you could get pregnant. After three years of infertility treatment. And a miscarriage.
- Laughing with you, whenever possible, during that entire process.
- The tears in his eyes after your son was born.
- The slight panic he had when you left him alone with the baby for the first time. And when you came home, the baby was screaming. He had changed him, rocked him, tried to hold him. Only had forgotten… to feed him.
- How he took to everything from swaddling to diapers to bathing. And stayed a hands-on dad. (Not really a little thing…)
- The tears in his eyes when you left that son at college.
- The extra Kleenex he had for you on that same occasion.
- How he makes fun of the way you talk with your retainer in.
- His attendance at multiple theatre productions. Whether they were good or not so hot. You were in them, and he was there.
- His careful attention to people in the generations older than yours.
- His screaming at the squirrels in the bird feeder.
- His courage in facing his own cancer. How he has grown through that process. How you have become closer in many ways.
Also not a little thing.
Your marriage won’t be perfect. There will be arguments and misunderstandings. There will be things that you don’t have a clue about yet that will irritate the heck out of you.
And you will be no shining star yourself all the time.
[tweetthis]Marriage is a chance to give and receive acceptance & caring for all of who you are. #marriage[/tweetthis]
So what would I whisper to that bride-to-be?
“Go on. Walk down that aisle. This one will be the love of your life.”
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Photos of hearts by Deborah Strauss and of the bride by Christine Mathias.
Happy Anniversary Margaret!!! I love your tips.
Thanks so much Nancy! I am glad to say it’s to be celebrated!
Congratulations, Margaret. I miss my husband for all of your reasons and more. Every species was meant to walk two-by-two. When one loses their mate, I sometimes wonder if it’s as difficult for the elephants and the robins as it is for the humans. Cherish and celebrate your marriage, sweet lady! xoxox, Brenda
I do Brenda. I certainly recognize how lucky I am, especially being a therapist and working with grief and loss all the time. I grieve for yours and others.
Warmed my heart – thank you for sharing!
I am so glad it did. I hope it inspires others to look for those little things. Sometimes, when times get tough, they are important to remember. Thanks so much for commenting Tara!
What a sweetly touching tribute to the great choice you made! Thanks for sharing this.
He read it. And then said, “This is just for me to read, right?” He wasn’t sure he wanted it on the Internet!!! But he relented… Thanks Roxanne.
Oh Margaret- this is just lovely. What a lucky bride you are. Tell that man he’s a champ, a real man. (Fav one is the Christmas decorating one)
I am definitely a lucky bride. Yeah… at first I took his not doing the tree with us like he was shirking something. Then one year I figured out why he couldn’t stay in the room. He is so sentimental. I love that about him. Thanks Deborah. He is a real man. And I am glad that he is in my life.
That was beautiful, you both are lucky people
I certainly feel that. I’ll have to ask him if he feels lucky :). That will probably ride on whether he plays a better round of golf today than he did yesterday!! Thanks so much for commenting and for your kind words.
This is beautiful….absolutely beautiful
I am so glad you liked it Michelle. Thank you so much.
All beautiful moments.
Thank you Tam for making the time to let me know.
What a lovely tribute to your marriage. I had to giggle over #10—the same thing happens here quite often. Happy anniversary!
Perhaps we are all more similar than we think! Thanks so much for letting me know.
Stumbled across this site looking for answers. So much pain in my heart right now. My wife of almost 25 years has decided that she loves me but is not in love…haven’t slept well in weeks…a year or two ago we might have been able to make a list like that, but now it is so broken she doesn’t want to even try. No cheating on either side, but a radical flip in income, health, and head of household issues have created resentment and anger.
She doesn’t want to talk. I can’t shut up! I get angry; she adds another layer of shell. How do you get over that dull ache? We still sleep together, still have sex, but the best part of sex is the emotional attachment, that sweet ache of tenderness from being TOGETHER, and that is so gone.
I don’t know if I have answers exactly – but I can certainly hear how painful it is for you to write. Whatever these changes have been, they seem to be very agitating or unsettling for your wife, to the point she is questioning your relationship. I don’t know if those feelings have been there, under the surface, and are coming to the fore, or if they are fresh. 25 years is a long time. I would suggest trying therapy with someone who has a fair amount of experience. Often, in only a few sessions, you can get to things that the two of you are stuck in talking about – between her withdrawal and your emotionality. If you are still making love, it would appear there is still something there. Good luck to you and I hope this is a stage of your marriage, which might only make it better in the long run.
Brilliant – only five years for me but this has inspired me to write my own list – its noticing the little things they do that says -“i love you” just the thing i needed this week as a reminder
That delights me Janine! I think keeping that list is mind is always helpful. Thanks so much for letting me know!
Delicious post! I share your almost three decades happily married with few belated additions:
27) Every morning, he thanks me for making coffee, as if it is a surprise.
28) He collects mementos redolent of places we have visited and presents it to me on Mother’s Day, my birthday or a day when I could use a lift.
29) He listens attentively to multiple practices sessions of Board presentations and speaking engagements.
30) He never fails to remark, “you look great tonight,” whenever we go out for the evening.
What wonderful additions Judith! Thanks so much for reading.