In today’s episode, we’ll be talking about enmeshment. It sometimes can be confused with codependency, terms which some use interchangeably. We’ll focus on not only enmeshed families or couples, but also parent/child enmeshment. And I’ll offer seven steps to slowly and carefully begin to gain more of your independence and sense of self. Families are extremely different in how well they build safety, love and caring within the family, while also supporting each member through their own development of unique beliefs and skills.
What are these seven steps? First you have to realize that rarely will you get permission to gain some distance. And you also have to recognize that enmeshment created within an abusive relationship has to be handled extremely – as even setting appropriate boundaries can be punished with violence.
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The seven steps out of enmeshment…
- Realize the overt and covert rules that you are following. Write them down.
- Realize the beliefs associated with those rules. Again, write them down.
- Acknowledge what you fear will be others’ reactions.
- Understand and face your own fears of independence or self-doubt.
- Write out the boundaries that are more appropriate.
- Start small. Start creating those boundaries. Ask yourself, “What do I believe I’m getting by reaching out that I can’t give myself?
- Then figure out a way to provide or discover those for yourself in the world apart from the enmeshed relationship.
Our listener email is from someone who was struck by one of the assignments or the what to do about it in a past episode.. she’d tried it and it had worked! I’m always delighted to hear that…
Important Links:
Article by Sharon Martin in Psych Central on codependency and enmeshment
Psychology Today article.. describing the five family structure within the Beavers Family Systems Theory
A good article on developing a safety plan before you begin separating from an enmeshed domestic violence relationship.
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Do you have any information directed for the partner? (I’m the girlfriend of a 10 yr relationship) I was living with my boyfriend and his adult son. I’m age 60,Bf age 56 his son age 28. They are codependent and emotionally reliant on one other, As if they are the couple! I was always left out or was 2nd our entire relationship. They are best friends. They are inseparable. They make all the decisions together… the shopping, the cooking, planning their 2 week annual vacations together. Purchasing new furniture for the home. Etc. Fast forward…I just couldn’t take it any longer in spite of my reaching out to my bf with my concerns about this! Was ignored repeatedly. I snapped! told his son off and moved out after residing with them for 8 yrs. Recent counseling has revealed how I was living in an emotionally abusive environment. Thus why I’m searching for information on my situation as how to cope, perhaps some tools to get over my heartbreak and physical issues that I now believe have manifested due to living in this situation for so many years. Thank you for any podcasts or books you may have on this topic.
Kathy I remember working with a man years ago who was in his late 30’s or early 40’s. It wasn’t until we’d worked together several times before he began opening up about his distorted thinking about how he couldn’t abandon his dad – by basically living his own life. Gradually he realized there wasn’t any abandonment at all but he wasn’t living his own life. It sounds in this situation however that both your former boyfriend and his son seem to be “just fine” with things the way they are and having such a tight bond with one another – yet so tight that no one else can be included and their lives have little to no separation. I haven’t written on this topic – of what it’s like to be someone who might love either one of them but I can see where it needs to be addressed. Because you’re right… I guess what I might suggest is that you continue to work with your therapist locally who can help you find what caused you to stay for so long or what engaged you in the first place.. how did you see their relationship prior to beginning to live with them? I’m so sorry. Enmeshment can seem so “healthy” on one level.. like there’s tremendous caring. But going deeper, it has much more troublesome aspects – as you’ve experienced. And I’ll add this topic to my list to write about! Thank you for commenting.
I feel your pain, 7 years with my partner and his adult daughter (22) she moved out 4 years ago, but still controls her father and me (via him). It was all good until she turned 18, then decided she wanted to decide whether or not I was invited to events or family gatherings, but she always excluded me and he allowed it. I tried to show him enmeshment/emotional incest, but he didn’t want to know about it. The last straw, he uninvited me to his 60th, while everyone he knew went to the party, except me, 2nd time being ostracised by him – that’s it – no more – tired of being last, never prioritized – he loved me for a while, then after a while – it was when I stood up for myself for the first time in 4 years – bad move – it’s been terrible ever since – he treats her more like a wife the older she gets! Done and devastated!
Do you have any information directed towards the parent? And how my husband and I can fix the situation? My daughter (21) was recently told by her therapist that it sounds like she comes from an enmeshed family. We are a close family of 8. She’s the oldest. Things were all fine and happy until she turned 18. I’ve read a ton about enmeshed families and I honestly don’t thinks our situation is severe or anything. She lives separately, I’m not calling her all the time or anything. But if I ask any questions about her life she’s all up in arms and calls me nosey when I just genuinely care how she’s doing and what she’s up to. Now when she comes over I’m walking on eggshells and basically don’t talk to her for fear she’ll get upset. I’m dealing with a TON of pain, hurt and heartbreak. Her boyfriend of almost 2 years recently broke up with her and now she’s on meds for depression and anxiety. I can’t even ask how she’s doing or if the meds are helping. I just want to make sure she’s happy and healthy… like my urge to care for her like a mom is still there and I feel like I’m not allowed because it’s “prying” and she’s an adult. Basically… we have 5 other children. What can I do to parent them and be caring and involved but yet not screw it up with them too?
What I might suggest is that you ask your daughter if you can attend one or more sessions with her therapist (which you’ll pay for) so that you can better understand whatever her therapist means. Or you can go to another therapist and ask for their objective opinion. I hope that helps…
Hi Margaret,
I am a girlfriend of an emotionally enmeshed man. I sort of called it quits last night saying i can be around at weekends just for conversation not anything more. Today it feels like hes freaking out snd his mother is trying to interfere again. I e wd irked out she hasn’t been allowing him to be emotionally intimate with a woman , it’s so disgusting. Anyway thankyou for listening, hes aware of this stuff but hes deceived by her for some reason , do you think there’s any help? It’s so annoying she always has to be there supervising 🙁
Hi Ellie. It’s tough because if he sees it, but is still paralyzed, then of course that’s hard on you and the relationship as a whole. You could suggest he try to begin reading about it or going to therapy himself. Please take care of yourself.