15 Things I Learned In My Fifties
I am gaining perspective on the decade I exited a year or so ago. In some ways it was my least favorite. In some, one of my more dear. If you can have favorites for that kind of thing.
So what did I learn?
1) How to grieve my parents’ deaths.
They had lived until their early 80’s. One not physically well. One, mentally very anxious and withdrawn. However, there was still love. I didn’t ever get that orphaned feeling after their deaths I hear others talk about. My realization was that there was no one on earth that would ever love me quite that way again – that I would not light up anyone’s day or at least be told that I did.
I felt instead that I was lucky to have been loved that way at all. Many people are not.
I was glad for them that their own battle was over. It feels strange, but it’s all okay.
2) How to let go of adult children.
To watch them mature. Maybe make mistakes. Maybe need support. Maybe not. It hasn’t killed me. It hurts sometimes. It’s fabulous others.
It’s a transition.
Hands-on parenting was great while it lasted.
3) How to begin dealing with ageism.
Ageism is alive and well. Sometimes it’s a little hard. I notice very subtle things sometimes. Especially with younger people. If you are filling out a computer form, and it is assumed you didn’t understand how to do it, rather than there is something wrong with their form. If it takes you a moment to remember a name, when you have always been lousy with names.
You have to be patient with them. They think it’s all about your age. They are busy about the business of avoidance. I try to remember to smile. And accept that’s what they need to do.
4) It takes more self-discipline to keep doing the things “I’ve always done”.
To keep in shape. To eat right. To stay involved. But the payoff is greater.
It’s huge in staying positive.
5) Menopause does end.
And yes, it was my hormones. I didn’t like hearing it when I was in the middle of it. But face it. It’s just a tough time for a lot of us. And it feels fabulous when it’s over.
6) How to deal with fear. Mortality. The death of friends is very hard.
Time is not going faster. I am simply aware there is less of it. That motivates me.
I don’t read obituaries anymore, unless I want to obsess about every little ache and pain I have. It’s better not to do it. When those you have loved are no longer living, however, there’s a strange kind of void that can form.
I hear people I love who are much older than me say they are “ready to die” and I wonder if I will get there as well. All their loved ones are gone. All the people that shared their memories.
Working on my spiritual life is essential. And living life in the present.
7) It gets easier to appreciate simple things.
I watch the sunrise almost every morning. And never cease to wonder.
8) It gets harder to tolerate hatred. Cruelty.
Of any kind really.
9) I have to stop myself from using phrases like ” that little whippersnapper” or “nice young girl”.
I am not ready to become my grandmother quite yet. But they are on the tip of my tongue. Damn.
10) Laughing is essential to living well.
And I plan to do a lot more of it. Thus I need to practice my Kegels regularly. Also something I learned in my 50’s. The hard way.
11) Old friends grow more dear. Young friends grow more important.
People who knew you “when”. There’s nothing like them. But new younger friends bring freshness and zip. They let me know what’s trending. In fact, informed me about the word “trending”.
Both are vital.
12) You take nothing for granted in your primary relationship.
You keep working. You keep investing. But it’s nice to realize – Â you’ve got a keeper.
13) Sixty is not the new fifty.
I don’t need it to be. What would all that learning have been about in my 50’s if I erased it? Go back? No. Not for me. I like sixty.
14) Focus on how I try to make a small difference every day.
That’s what I have control of. What matters. Â I have learned to surround myself with people who are going about the business of creating good things in their lives. For others. For their town. Their culture. Their world. Their energy supports my energy. And hopefully vice versa.
15) Never underestimate the power of trying something new.
Or something you know you don’t do well. When I work out with my trainer, I always groan when we do balance work. But I ask her to make me do it. Because I’m really, really bad at balance work. I don’t learn much if it’s something I do well.
I’ll stop with 15. Perhaps enough for one decade.
One very special decade.
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I am in the middle of my fifties, and I think you are right on the money. At least so far!
Can’t wait to hear what the latter half brings you Tam! You are doing great things with your own blog (Check Tam out if you can!) Thanks for writing.
Dr. Margaret Rutherford, Clinical Psychologist/Author
Helping You Believe In Yourself
p:479-443-3413 | e:askdrmargaret@146.66.99.73 | w:http://DrMargaretRutherford.com | a: 202 North Locust, Fayetteville AR 72701
It will be interesting to hear how the latter years work for you – you are traveling and doing so much to invigorate! (Y’all need to check out her blog…) Thanks for writing Tam.
I loved a lot of these Margaret – I haven’t had to deal with many deaths yet, but I know they will come. I definitely appreciate the little things and I am especially aware of how important my husband, family and friends are. Great post 🙂
My fifties…wow! It was finding out the light at the end of the tunnel was a train and it hit hard and fast. Too much to cover in a paragraph but ALL the trauma came flooding in and ripped me apart. The family sexual trauma issues…my own sexual trauma issues…living with undiagnosed ADHD for 60 years – which is part of the childhood trauma issues (physical violence as well as mental abuse.) The length my family kept the sexual abuses quiet (well…they all died with no one EVER saying a thing…) and just how many children in all the families were involved…it’s too late for many of them but some how I get a reprieve and get to go into my senior years tanked up from learning why my life sucked for 60 years…and the word suck doesn’t even come close. AND – I am getting help. Thought it was just depression/anxiety. Thought I WAS insane multiple times…they used to call it manic/depressive…thought that was it…but oh these past three years have been enlightening, sad…AND I am getting help. I am getting help…and it was not my fault. Damn…
I cannot appreciate what ‘normal’ life would have been like. I’ve spent too many years locked up in my own mental prisons from what happened to me as a boy. But I’m not going gentle into that dark night…thanks for your site and I do look forward to my next ten!
Matthew I am saddened that you had such trauma in your life. But I am also delighted that you sought help to unlock your pain. Thank you for such a personal story.
Thanks Leanne!