Eleven Ways To Help Your Child Through Your Divorce
Divorce between two people who don’t have children versus two parents who do is an entirely different animal.
Their first response can easily be to try to please. So, they’ll say they’re okay. Usually when younger children first learn about the change in the family, they want to know the pragmatics of it all. Will Santa Claus come to Mommy’s house or Daddy’s? Teenagers can be angrier about a decision being made that dramatically affects their lives… without their consent. One child can feel as if they need to “side” with the parent who doesn’t live in the house any more, so that parent won’t be “lonely.”
How children ultimately fare depends on the maturity and sensitivity of the parents, specifically how much you’re working on the health of your relationship post-marriage. I’ve seen many parent divorce respectfully and with great concern for their kids. But others? It not only brings out the worst in them, but they’re so emotionally wrapped up in continuing the battle with their ex that they use the children as pawns in that battle.
It’s awful to watch. And even more terrible to live through.
There are some factors that you can’t control. But there are certainly others that you can. And in order to make your children’s lives less chaotic, it’s critical to do your best to control what you can.
The factors you can’t control…
Age
Current wisdom may say that the younger the children, the better they’ll cope with the divorce. However, a very young child can still be sensitive to rage and harsh emotion, even if you’re attempting to shield them from it. Additionally, if they now see far less of their primary caregiver, that can be highly stressful.
Their personality, especially how sensitive to change they are
Some children are more easy-going and adapt to change fluidly, while others crave consistency and thrive on routine. If you have a child who likes order, things happening in a way that’s predictable, it will take more time for them to settle into the new normal after divorce. This ideal is to gradually disentangle with your ex. If your relationship with your ex is healthy enough to have some celebrations together, like you did when you were married, then that consistency for the children can be helpful.
Some parents carry this choice a little far, however, and continue to live as if nothing has changed; this can be confusing and perhaps even instill false hope in their children. At some point, for the sake of clarity, the fact that two families exist where there was one has to be addressed. The two families can get along very well. But it’s still two families.
Their closeness to individual parents
If a child has a closer relationship with either parent, and that suddenly changes, it can be very hard on them. Joint custody is much more the norm in our society however, so this is one of the transitions that need to be made with sensitivity.
What a judge orders is the guideline if you and your ex can’t agree, If your child needs time to adjust, then be flexible to ease that child into their new life.
But these are factors you can control…
Sudden moves away from their norm.
Keep the rest of your children’s lives as constant as you can, or as much as is possible. It gives them more stability to have other aspects of their lives intact; being able to go to school and have their same friends and teachers makes life overall feel more normal.
Quickly moving ahead with another relationship
You can far too quickly introduce your children to a new “friend.” Maybe you had an affair; maybe you’re just lonely. But waiting to give your children time to adjust to one thing before another comes along is important.
Please don’t do that. It’s such a mistake.
Showing favoritism to one child
If a parent entices a child by smothering them with attention, the other children can feel abandoned and left out as they see their sibling gain undeserved or random gifts and favors. This choice can set your kids against one another, as the parents continue the emotional battle them.
Being used as a messenger
With little to no communication between the adults, frequently the children are used to communicate, “Tell your mother to pick you up Friday after school and that she needs to fill out your school forms.”
Sometimes it’s far worse, “Tell your father that I know he’s still seeing that bitch that broke up our marriage.” Using your children to fight your adult battles puts them in a highly unfair position.
A non-custodial parent dealing with depression/disenfranchisement
Let’s say there was a fight for custody. And you lost.
The “losing” parent can feel a sense of disenfranchisement, cut off from the basic rights of parenting and the control over decision-making that comes with it.
This disenfranchisement can lead to depression, or even in the worst case, a decision to pull away from your children. “It’s just too painful.” It can be tough.
When all they hear is blame and disrespect
Kids want to love both their parents. Painting your ex as a bad, stupid or weak person can either cause your child to defend that parent, or give them permission to also show disrespect.
Your anger or disappointment needs to be worked out with a therapist or a friend, not your child.
Abandonment
How many times have I seen old hurt show up in an adult’s eyes, as they remember long waits for Mom or Dad to show up… And they didn’t.
Too many times.
That hurt entrenches itself. The child’s self-worth and sense of security plummets. The best way you can help your child? Get emotionally divorced yourself. Quit fighting the same battles you fought within your marriage. Focus on what is best for your children.
And try to be the best parent and parenting partner you can be.
If you want to get some help with emotional divorce, click here! It takes time.
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Originally published Dec 12, 2015; updated and republished on March 4, 2023.
It’s important that divorced parents don’t lose sight of what’s in the best interest of the children. My first husband and I divorced when our children were grade-school ages and 24 years later I can say they turned out well. We didn’t always follow all your advice but enough of it to have a good result.
Kay Lynn thanks so much for commenting. I pulled these thoughts from diverse cases that I have been involved in, so not all of them would apply to everyone. Your children benefitted greatly, I am sure!!
This is a really thorough article – I wish I’d had this as a resource when I was recently divorced. It’s so hard to be perfect, but I’m hoping my ex- and I avoided most of these, at least most of the time.
Awareness is half the battle Katy. If you both tried, that’s wonderful and I’m sure your kids are better off. Thanks so much for writing.
Awareness is half the battle Katy. If you both tried, that’s wonderful and I’m sure your kids are better off. Thanks so much for writing.
Great advice. my kids were 14 when we divorced, been a year now, and they seem to be happy and adjusted. My ex and I absolutely put the kids first in every situation and that seems to be working, It’s sad, but we are moving on.
Thanks very much Karen. I have watched so many people get divorced. Some do it well. Others create even more chaos. I hope this will get people thinking.
As a Family Law attorney who often represents children, I see much of the described behavior all too often. The resulting effect on the children is the same whether a parent is more focused on the battle with the ex or so absorbed in their own hurt that they aren’t prioritizing the children’s emotional welfare. There is no “good divorce” when it comes to children – only less devastating ones. Thank you for this concise guide – I’ll be sharing it.
That is an excellent point Shel. Blog posts can get too long so there’s a lot I left out, like introducing a new boyfriend or girlfriend way too fast. I had to stop somewhere! Thanks for writing and sharing. That means a lot.
We only thought my 11-year-old stepson was fine with his parents’ divorce. He was an only child, who subsequently was raised like a little prince. It backfired on all of us, big time. It literally killed my husband, James. His last words to me were, “If I thought I’d failed as a parent, I would have failed as a human being.” He went for a walk and died… of a broken heart.
You make an excellent point Brenda. Children can seem as if they’re adjusting, but either the relationship dynamics between the parents or what occurs as a seeming consequence of the divorce, is not always appropriate or healthy. I am sad that your husband seemed to have so much shame about it, and that you lost him so early. Thanks for writing.
You make an excellent point Brenda. Children can seem as if they’re adjusting, but either the relationship dynamics between the parents or what occurs as a seeming consequence of the divorce, is not always appropriate or healthy. I am sad that your husband seemed to have so much shame about it, and that you lost him so early. Thanks for writing.
Enduring dilemma: who decides what’s best for a child? Choice of schools, doctors, camps, sports teams and holidays requires finding common ground, rare among parents who don’t
share similar values or communication styles. A mediator can help only when both parents commit to a process of consistently sharing information & acknowledging the right of other parent to differ.
That can be the case Judith, certainly. But it can be done, if the parents give up needing to win or “be right.” Even when parents are married, there is compromise about children. Thanks for a great comment.
Agreed, Have you found one parent needing “to be right” more than the other? I have noticed that women tend to feel they know “what is best” for younger children but it probably cuts both ways.
Yeah, I think it does Judith. Yet it varies so much from couple to couple. Thanks again!