10 Helpful Parenting “To-Do’s” As Your Child Leaves Home

Today, Dr. Margaret comes up with ten parenting to-do’s (along with the “better not to-do’s”) when your child leaves home.

As a parent, navigating the challenges of parenting during this time can be daunting.

It starts with graduation.

High school seniors are now crowding into gymnasiums to get their diplomas. Relatives are descending on the scene (and let’s face it… you really have to love someone to go to their graduation) to watch hundreds of kids whoop and holler about getting out of school.

But what happens next?

It’s usually a huge transition – for both kids and parents.

This is a significant moment in your parenting journey.

 

A hard parenting transition… 

Maybe infancy was the most challenging phase for you, with its lack of sleep and endless diapers. For others, the rolling eyes and flippant attitude made the teen years drag by.

But for many, letting go is the hardest hurdle of them all.

Maybe your child is heading straight into the workforce after high school, or joining the military, or going to a trade school. Maybe they will continue to live at home for a while, or maybe they are moving across the country. All of these carry with them different challenges.

Each choice they make is a reflection of your parenting.

Or perhaps your near-legal child is about to head off to college.

College represents a new chapter in your parenting experience.

This post is about how to get yourself prepared — to let them go.

Parenting during this transition requires adjustments.

Being okay with letting go… 

You’ve watched them handle countless transitions or hurdles in their young life.  His heart was broken by a girlfriend, now he doesn’t trust and has big walls up. She was bullied in the 6th grade, so much so that you homeschooled her for a while, and she’s on the shy side. She has ADHD, which has made school hard, and takes medication for it. He struggled to feel accepted as he was the only kid he knew that was gay.

You did your best to help them through whatever happened. But now, it’s time to watch how they handle things more on their own, and sometimes from many miles away.

You’ve not been a perfect parent. Those don’t exist…

As a parent, that takes reassuring yourself that you’ve done a “good enough” job. There have been some high points, some things that you did really well.

In your parenting role, it’s important to acknowledge these feelings.

Remember how much you learned between the ages of 18 and 25, wherever you were? Were you perfectly equipped to handle what life brought you?

Of course not. Your teen is the same.

The major difference is that your parenting dynamics will evolve.

And with that, comes new concerns….

“Lily wants to come home again this weekend. Is she not making any friends?”

“He never texts back. I thought we were closer than that?”

“Janie said that her daughter is studying all the time. Megan never talks about her classes. Is she even going?”

It’s hard to handle the not knowing.

Ten parenting reminders for letting go… 

1) Focus on things you taught them and that you know “they know”. Write them down. Recognize how you taught them well. There are still things they need to learn, of course. Again, remember all you learned when you were their age!

2) Don’t assume that you’ve caused a problem that your child is having. It’s likely not to have anything to do with you. If you find out it does, then work with your adult child to rectify it as best you can.

As you reflect on your parenting, remember the lessons learned.

3) If you’re texting or calling all the time, you could be an issue. You could be getting in the way of them launching if you’re micromanaging and overly-involved. If they’re texting you, then they may not be looking for people in their new world to relate with.

4) If they’re struggling with something, remind them of their strengths. Discuss with them how they succeeded in handling other transitions and hurdles. Sometimes, in a new situation, you have more self-doubt. That’s normal. The anxiety is normal. Don’t fix problems for them (also known as “lawnmower parenting!”)

5) Ask if they’d like your advice. If they don’t, wait and see how they handle things.

6) Begin finding things in your own life that lend purpose to it. If that’s hard, then you might need professional help to work your way through those feelings.

7) Know you might feel sad at times, or relief, or a new sense of freedom. All of that is normal.

Embrace the new phase of parenting as a time for personal growth.

8) Decide with your teen what appropriate expectations are.  If they’re going to college, If a grade point average drops too low, if they’re losing a lot of weight, if they’ve got huge dark circles under their eyes or are sick all the time, something could be wrong. Agree to tangible things that they can understand. If they’re going into the military or into a job, talk with them about how to succeed in those environments.

9) You may have a fantasy of what your child’s life is going to be. If you do, that can feel like immense pressure on your child. Be honest with yourself; you may have to give up those expectations. Let her be who she is becoming, and get to know her.

10) Be aware that mental illness can emerge during these years. If depression, anxiety or some kind of mental illness runs in your family, make sure your child knows about it, and provide information about it. They may not appear to listen, but hopefully it will sink in.

Understanding mental health is crucial in the realm of parenting.

Watch for signs that the normal stresses aren’t deepening into an illness, while realizing that your teen will go through stages of development.

By the way… 

Send me a message about what your own mom was like!! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!