People describe themselves as “codependent” these days as commonly as they ask for ketchup with their fries.
What exactly is codependency? Is it a good thing, a bad thing, or somewhere in the middle?
There are many different definitions, and many different experts on the subject. Initially, a codependent relationship was defined as one where there was substance abuse within the relationship, with the person who wasn’t the user enabling the continuation of the abuse by hiding, discounting, explaining away, not confronting, or denying the painful impact of the illness.
Here’s a a classic (and actual) example. Someone’s alcoholic husband wakes up in the middle of the night, demanding more beer at 2:00 am. She drives to get the beer for him. Her reasoning? No one will get hurt if she drives. That’s understandable and even seemingly rational on her part. Yet what might a non-codependent partner do? Pick up the phone and call the police immediately when he gets his key and leaves. She doesn’t do that for many reasons. He’s abusive. He’s not going to get treatment, so why bother. The children would be embarrassed. She’d be embarrassed. It avoids conflict. She needs a sense of control. And on and on…
It’s very tough when someone you love has an addiction. Yet enabling it doesn’t work in the long term. The enabler may actually feel superior or “better than” the abuser, and find some weird sort of self-esteem by continuing to help hide the problem.
These days, however, the term “codependent” has morphed into something much more general.
When I hear as a therapist, “I’m codependent,” or, “We’re codependent,” people seem to be describing a loss of feeling responsible as individuals, and/or that their lives are too tightly interwoven. “I wouldn’t do what I do if you didn’t do what you did.” What’s also likely is that their relationship is bringing out their most unhealthy problems. They don’t know where one of them begins, and the other ends. They’ve become what’s termed “enmeshed.”
Here’s an example. A highly insecure woman with problems with self-hatred purges (vomits her food). She is partnered with a perfectionistic man who is uncomfortable with conflict. He can hear what she’s doing late at night, but doesn’t confront her disease, instead avoiding it like the plague. She continues purging for comfort, urgently needing his attention. When she becomes too sick, he waits on her hand and foot, and tells her how great she looks. She soaks up his attentiveness. When he returns to being “not there for her,” she begins the cycle all over again, focusing only on needing to please. They are both trapped in their own pain, yet their interaction is compulsive. It’s not good, honest caring and empathy. They may both feel they have no other choice than to do what they’re doing.
And so the destructive pattern continues.
Linda Esposito in Psychology Today offers questions about how you can tell you’re in a codependent relationship.
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Here are some ideas.
For the “enabled.”
For the “enabler.”
These questions aren’t easy to answer, nor are they all that’s needed. They are a starting point, or a guide to the kind of emotional work that needs to be done if the relationship has a chance of being healthy. A good therapist can help.
There are some excellent books on the topic. Codependent No More is a classic. Women Who Love Too Much is also very good. Codependency For Dummies is another.
AA is there for the substance abuser. Al-Anon is an excellent resource for enablers. CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) is another supportive and teaching organization.
The goal is to unhook from one another — to take responsibility for fixing what problems you have as an individual, and not to live your life in denial, or martyrdom.
Giving and receiving. Honest empathy and caring. Being there for one another in a real way, gently confronting when boundaries are crossed.
It’s called interdependence.