How do you know if you’re in a codependent relationship?
Initially, a codependent relationship was defined as one where one person was abusing a substance, and the person who wasn’t the user “enabled” its continuation by hiding, discounting, explaining away, not confronting, or denying the painful impact of the illness. Meaning that while they weren’t dependent or addicted to the substance themselves, the were “co” dependent on it because their actions – or inactions- contributed to the situation.
Here’s an example, from an actual client of mine years ago. Her alcoholic husband would wake up in the middle of the night, and demand that she go get more beer. She would get up and drive to the nearest open grocery store to get it for him. He’d down it at 2:00 am and go back to sleep.
Her reasoning?
- No one will get hurt if I drive (since he’s still pretty buzzed).
- I’ve fought with him before and it does no good. He’s not going to quit.
- I don’t want the kids to wake up.
- He can be abusive and I’m scared what might happen.
- I don’t want or need the conflict. Just keep the peace.
All those reasons are understandable and even seemingly rational on your part. And it’s very hard to change this problem.
After we talked about it for a bit, she realized how her fear was governing her.
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What does codependent mean now?
These days, the term “codependent” has morphed into something much more general. When you say, “I’m codependent,” or, “We’re codependent,” you’re often describing a loss of individual identity, and/or that your lives are tightly interwoven.
And your relationship may be creating intense problems with boundaries; they could be either too rigid or way too loose.
Here’s an example.
You’re someone who “secretly” binges and purges in the middle of the night at least once a week. Your partner is someone who’s uncomfortable with conflict and doesn’t know what to say or how to say it. So, they can hear what you’re doing, they can see the signs the next morning of your behavior, but there’s no expressed concern or gentle confrontation. Instead, the signs are ignored or fixed or forgotten. Both of you are lonely. Yet neither of you are seeing that you’ve established a destructive pattern and your communication is staying at a level that may be comfortable, but prevents any real emotional intimacy from occurring.
The destructive pattern continues – one partner is sick and the other remains silent.
Linda Esposito in Psychology Today offers questions about how you can tell you’re in a codependent relationship.
- Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner’s needs?
- Is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy?
- Do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?
- Do you constantly worry about others’ opinions of you?
- Do you feel trapped in your relationship?
- Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
So what can you do when you realize that your relationship is taking up way too much of your energy? Or when you know there’s a secret in your family that you’ll do anything to hide from others? Or that you jump through all kinds of hoops to keep your partner “happy,” even though there’s a problem that neither of you is confronting head on?
Here are some ideas.
For the “enabled.”
- How are you personally confronting your problems? Do you blame others for them?
- Do you feel entitled to or owed the help your partner offers?
- If you have an addiction or self-destructive problem, how are you denying it to yourself or others? Do you not even see it as an issue? Are you being honest about its impact on your family and your own life?
- Do you know how to give? If not, what work do you need to do to learn?
- What would have to happen for you to seek treatment or help?
For the “enabler.”
- How did you become afraid of conflict?
- What has caused you to be uncomfortable with receiving?
- When did you begin to find your self-esteem in being a giver? Or to make sacrifices constantly for others? Do you like control too much?
- Does your partner’s problem tend to make you feel superior to him or her? If so, what has made that important to feel?
- What is keeping you in the relationship? Are you afraid of leaving, and why?
These questions aren’t easy to answer, nor are they all that’s needed. They are a starting point, or a guide to the kind of emotional work that needs to be done if the relationship has a chance of being healthy. A good therapist can help.
There are some excellent books on the topic. Codependent No More is a classic. But there are others that you can find that more speak to you.
The goal is to unhook from one another — to take responsibility for fixing what problems you have as an individual, and not to live your life in denial, or martyrdom. Your relationship ideal can be one of giving and receiving with honest empathy and caring, being there for one another in a real way, and gently confronting when boundaries are crossed rather than engaging in unhealthy dynamics.
It’s not codependence, it’s interdependence; it will feel so much better.
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Originally published on January 6, 2018; updated and republished on August 18, 2024.
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I have to agree I’m hearing that word all of the time and didn’t really understand the meaning because of who is using it and why. Thanks for the clear explanation.
Oh you’re so welcome Rena. Thanks for reading!