Today we’re talking about parents who can’t let go of their children, and adult children who are struggling to have their own lives, independent of a parent. This dynamic doesn’t exist because kids are having addiction or learning problems. This more complex relationship is created due to the emotional needs of the parent. We’ll touch on what’s termed helicopter parenting, and quote an expert from Stanford University about some of the signs that you’re identifying way too much with your child, seeing them as an extension of yourself.
But we’ll go deeper — into the family dynamic of enmeshment. We’ll quote Dr. Pat Love, an expert on enmeshment, and how in this kind of relationship, a child (whether young or adult) is forced to detach from vital aspects of themselves in order to meet the needs or expectations of a parent. It can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and an abiding sense of guilt for never accomplishing the task you’ve been given — to make a parent happy and fulfilled. Because it’s not a task that can be accomplished — by anyone but the parent.
The email from a listener this week is from a teenager who is asking the difference between “being a teenager” and depression, as well as wondering about Perfectly Hidden Depression. There are definitely teenagers out there who don’t feel that they can talk about being depressed, and tragically, suicide is increasing.
Important links:
Article on helicopter parenting
Dr. Pat Love: “The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What To Do When A Parent’s Love Rules Your Life.”
Dr. Margaret’s gift book for honoring your relationship, available on Amazon! “Marriage Is Not For Chickens.”
You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
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I love your topics,they go so much more beyond the usual self help platforms available…Enmeshment-something that took me many,many years to realize and break away from my mother five years ago.The guilt went very deep and I found myself taking responsibility from a very young age for her (my father was an abusive alcoholic,she was co-dependent).I also found myself taking responsibility for my sister’s children too,as she struggled with her own problems.I felt without me they wouldn’t cope.It was exhausting and stopped me living my life.Breaking away difficult : I was ostracized by the family.After years of therapy I am finally free from the guilt,shame and anger, and my husband and I are enjoying a more equal,adult relationship.He stood by me all these years while I struggled with all the responsibilities I took on that weren’t mine to take.Now I just take responsibility for me.It feels fantastic and very liberating.
First thank you for your kind words. That’s exactly my intent so it’s gratifying to hear. And your story is right on in my experience. Enmeshment can be very difficult to see and rarely is “permission” given by the parent who is needy for the now adult child to live their own life. It can be a dynamic with many types of parents, including people with borderline personality disorder. In your case, your mom wasn’t handling her own life well, and counted on you to be there for her. And you learned your task too well. I’m so glad you found your way out of that trap and are happy now. I’m sure it wasn’t easy. Thanks again for letting me know and telling your truth.