036 SelfWork: The Shame No One Talks About After Sexual Abuse
In today’s podcast, Dr. Margaret talks about a certain type of shame that’s rarely revealed after sexual abuse. What is that shame? It’s the result of your body responding with arousal during the actual abuse itself. What’s vital to understand is that arousal doesn’t reflect consent — not in any way. Dr. Margaret describes conditions that can be triggered by sexual abuse, and three actual case histories of people having been sexually abused, who were also aroused.
Note: If you’ve been sexually abused, this podcast may trigger a response — memories, anxiety, nightmares. Please listen with care. The National Sexual Abuse Hotline is 800.656.HOPE (4673),
Her listener email this week comes from a woman who has jumped from relationship to relationship, and is painfully realizing that she is the common thread.
Important links for the podcast:
A Psychology Today article on the many levels of shame from sexual abuse.
An article on what science says about arousal during rape, and why it doesn’t occur all the time.
RAINN’s article on the conditions that develop as a response to sexual violence.
If you’ve been sexually abused, please seek help. You can get immediate help online at the RAINN hotline. Other hotlines and resources can be found by clicking here.
Two books that are excellent resources: “Healing The Shame That Binds You” by John Bradshaw, and ‘The Courage To Heal”, by Laura Davis.
You can hear more about relationships and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Re: Episode 36
Thank you so much for this episode. I have never faced the truth of this shame nor have I been willing to acknowledge its existence. While I have gotten to a place of peace with being sexually abused, my lack of connection to this part of the abuse shame has kept my whole self from being healed, not just my head and heart.
I mistook my inability to allow arousal during intimacy to being about control. This episode helped me realize that it is/was this shame that has kept me shut off from vulnerable intimacy. My marriage dissolved because there was no intimacy; a pattern I thought would end in the commitment of marriage. Sadly this only added more shame to the situation and the cycle continued.
While I wish I had found you before my marriage began to fall apart, I am hopeful that I can now forgive myself for being unable to show up intimately with husband. You have also given me the words to address the darkest part of my shame which I know will help me move forward.
I am touched deeply by your words. First I’m so sorry you’ve experiences continuing shame from something that wasn’t in your control. And I’m so glad that what I’ve learned from others was and is helpful to you. One of the questions I hear (and have asked myself often…), “Why couldn’t I figure this out myself? Maybe I wouldn’t have made that mistake…” Or something like that. When no one, or very few, talk about this phenomenon, then victims who experience it will continue to walk in shame. Thank you so much for sharing this with me, and others. Maybe you will give the same gift to someone else — that of understanding and self-acceptance. Take good care.